Mediation

Well I am back for my third a final stage of Creative Writing.  For the final 10 weeks we are looking at different genres of writing.  Not to make life easy for us we were asked to write a satire.  This is defined as a technique employed by writers to expose and criticize foolishness and corruption of an individual or a society by using humor, irony, exaggeration or ridicule. It intends to improve humanity by criticizing its follies and foibles. A writer in a satire uses fictional characters, which stand for real people, to expose and condemn their corruption.

MEDIATION

It was an acrimonious affair.  In attendance was the bourgeoning senior Counsel, Andreas Randolph Reginald Clutterbuck (A.R.R.C.) QC with a penchant for hearty feasting which was perpetually evidential in his bulging waistline. His adversary the distinguished doctrinaire Lawrence Oakley Upton Dungworth (L.O.U.D) QC mirrored Clutterbuck’s voluminous contours however his proclivity was neither gorging nor indulgence, just the unfortunate legacy of capacious lineages.  Their nonconsequential Clients sat either side. The Petitioner, Mrs Elizabeth Tickletrout a whiffling whisper of a woman, shrouded by the voracious testosterone polluting the room and her imminent ex-husband Mr Timothy Ivan Tickletrout (T.I.T) a highfalutin heinousness of a man, who whilst estimably educated was morally defunct.   Presiding was the Mediator known only as Madam Standoff.

Addressing the table with forced familiarity Madam Standoff peered sourly down her generous nose through the minute lenses of her bespectacled face. “After 7 days, 3 hours and 22 minutes of mediation we now have just two unresolved issues.  Number one; Alejandro Tickletrout, the 14 year old chronically arthritic German Shepherd/Rottweiler (cross) family pet and Number two; The Royal Elizabethan Oak/Walnut Bevelled Glass Display Dresser.  Surely resolution is looming and this parody of perplexities can be determined today? Please?” She expelled an exasperated sigh.

Timothy Tickletrout, with his customary repugnant pomposity spoke first “she hated that dog (pointing at Elizabeth Tickletrout) why she is demanding it stays with her is beyond me and as for the Cabinet, that there thing has been in my family for generations.” Clutterbuck QC nodded along, adding a ratified “absolutely” but nothing more.  All eyes turned to the shrinking, inconspicuous Elizabeth Tickletrout.

Elizabeth Tickletrout raised her somnolent head, suddenly emerging with an unanticipated newfound assiduous vigour, she addressed her audience. Unambiguously glowering with distaste at her impending ex and swelling from her seated position with undeviating antagonism she commanded the room “yes Timothy I hated that dog, but the dog detested you equally, by all means you can take the blasted hound.  As for the “Cabinet” as you so eloquently put it. That stays with me. I have lovingly restored, repaired and enthused for this antique.  You have no right to claim it due to “heredity” that piece of furniture was given to us by your late mother, whom you openly despised, as a wedding gift and as I have devoted all my time effort and money in preserving the same; akin to the time effort and money you have invested sustaining your whores; or the time effort and money you have gorged on these two in-glorious parasites; the said “Cabinet” shall remain with me. I am sure if your mother were here today she would concur.  Whilst dedicating myself to her care in the final throes of her pitiful illness, she often confided in me that the “Cabinet” was her pride and joy, to be appreciated and treasured by future generations, unlike you Timothy whom she described as her “biggest flaw.” The room was silent. The three balding bulbous buffoons momentarily speechless by the rigorous riposte. A slight smirk threatening to crack the exterior of Madam Standoff.

“Well, can we therefore now agree that Alejandro be collected by Mr Tickletrout and that the Royal Elizabethan Oak/Walnut Bevelled Glass Display Dresser remain with Mrs Tickletrout?” Madam Standoff probed.  Timothy Tickletrout, his bloated facade close to combustion, gave an unenthusiastic nod to Clutterbuck QC, who instantaneously gave an allayed nod to Dungworth QC.  Papers were shuffled, papers were signed. Copious Counsel Fees were deduced and deducted. More papers were shuffled and signed.  Elizabeth Tickletrout remained nonchalant.

The air became sickly stale and Elizabeth ascended from her chair nodded to Madam Standoff and turned to leave.  Timothy Tickletrout remained seated “I shall collect Alejandro at six this evening” he spat.  Elizabeth continued as though not hearing him, but without a backward glance she responded “not a problem Timothy, I have a flight to catch but you will find Alejandro in his kennel, where I found him this morning, dead.  He must have passed away in the night.”

Hayley Mars